Fighting Doubt and Fear

I had a really rough day yesterday for many reasons- both physically and emotionally.  I woke up feeling an overall discouragement.  I even told my husband that I felt like my body and spirit were under attack.

It seemed like everything that would be hard for me to handle... happened.   Each experience weakened my body and spirit even more on a day that I already felt discouraged.  I felt so weak that I laid down for a moment and didn't wake for a couple of hours!  When I did wake, I still felt very weak and discouraged.

Later that night our family watched the movie, "Life of Pi."  We loved it!

The movie is about a man telling of his journeys as a teenager stranded on a boat in the Pacific Ocean.  During that movie, many words stuck with me.  I even dreamed about this quote:

1. Adult Pi Patel: "Faith is a house with many rooms."
2. Writer: "But no room for doubt?"
3. Adult Pi Patel: "Oh plenty, on every floor. Doubt is useful, it keeps faith a living thing. After all, you cannot know the strength of your faith until it is tested."

Yesterday morning I wondered why I had to keep fighting discouragement and doubt after I've felt the lack thereof so intensely before- I have felt such intense joy and hope!!  The answer came to me in that movie.  My faith is a living thing!!!  I'm growing it!!!  I'm fighting for it daily!  That's the nature of this life.  The doubt is not the sin... quitting the fight against the doubt is.

While looking up these words in order to quote them exactly from the movie, I also read quotes from the book that touched my heart.  This one hit home to what I was feeling.  Like I said, I felt like I was under a very personal attack by the adversary.

"I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unnerving ease. It begins in your mind, always ... so you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you.” 
― Yann Martel, Life of Pi

It's true! The adversary has no decency!  My weakest spots were on wide display yesterday- it felt like someone was taking a scrub pad on my open wounds and weaknesses.

The lack of faith and hope is like giving up the fight to an ugly cancer spreading rapidly and creating more wounds.  As we identify and fight our fear and doubt with faith, love, and hope, our wounds begin to close.  The healing is a rush of beauty that is not earthly... it is a miracle that opens our minds and hearts to the mysteries of heaven.  

“I was giving up. I would have given up - if a voice hadn't made itself heard in my heart. The voice said "I will not die. I refuse it. I will make it through this nightmare. I will beat the odds, as great as they are. I have survived so far, miraculously. Now I will turn miracle into routine. The amazing will be seen everyday. I will put in all the hard work necessary. Yes, so long as God is with me, I will not die. Amen.” 
― Yann Martel, Life of Pi

Forgive me for quoting this movie/book so much, but it spoke to me in the exact way that I needed to be lifted.  Because of this, I began to think about the power of media... 

On this day when every bit of influence made a difference on my weak soul, I am grateful that I was selective about what I fed my spirit and that through prayer God guided that selection.  What would have happened if we watched something even slightly inappropriate? 

Then I thought about my children.  The thought came loud and clear... "What if they have a day when their souls are weak?" I must be vigilant about what influences feed their souls. The adversary is trying hard to defeat us, but God is forever present.

"Even when God seemed to have abandoned me, he was watching. Even when he seemed indifferent to my suffering, he was watching. And when I was beyond all hope of saving, he gave me rest. Then he gave me a sign to continue my journey."  ~Life of Pi

Trickle-down Effect

Yesterday each of my children took their turns expressing their frustrations in an unhealthy way...

Some of them had to redo schoolwork- that's always a frustration.

Some were frustrated because nobody was listening to them.

... and others were frustrated at their amount of school work.

Despite their frustrating moments, they still cleaned the whole house, did their school work, practiced their instruments, and even played in the rain on the trampoline.

We decided to finish the day off with a dance party!!  We danced our hearts out for a few minutes.  Then Tyson (mistakenly) stomped on Jordan's foot.  Jordan rolled around howling with pain.  I ignored him for a moment because I figured he was just being dramatic...  Finally, I went to check on him.  The moment I said, "Are you Ok?"  He stopped crying and was better.  Grrrr... I hate drama.

After that he ran after Tyson and jumped on him for stomping on his foot.  Then I became frustrated that our dance party wasn't happy anymore, so I turned off the music and scolded everyone.  I told them to come kneel down for prayer; we were all going to bed.

One of the children knelt down and angrily punched the couch. I explained to the children that they are teaching their crazy behavior to each other.  I told them it starts with the oldest and moves right down the line- trickling down to each child.  Right then, Juliana (who is only 2 and never has any clue what we're talking about) walked over to the couch, punched it, and knelt down for prayer just as her older brother had done.

We couldn't help but laugh because it proved my point.  As I was teaching the children that the behavior is passed down the line starting with the oldest, a thought came into my mind, "Maybe it started with you... "  I responded to myself, "No... that couldn't be it.  I'm the parent.  They only learn the good behaviors I demonstrate.  I have a right to scold and show my frustration a little bit so that they actually listen to me."  Of course the thought returned again, and the scripture in Matthew 7:3 came loud and clear into my mind:

"And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?"

Hmmm....  I hate to admit that maybe I was at the top of the waterfall that was trickling down to each of the children.  The dance party was going great.  I could have disciplined only the children involved, but I took the party away from everyone. :(  I believe that was an unhealthy act of frustration that I displayed, but I didn't want to admit it right away.

It took a moment; but as we knelt in prayer, I tried hard to push away my own frustrations and asked the children (Abe was still at work) to talk about their favorite parts of the day.

As we spoke of our happiness, our frustrations melted away, and we were happy again!!  That felt like a very healthy response to frustration!  With happy hearts returning, we decided we would finish our dance party the following night instead.

I hate being so imperfect... I really do!!!  I had to accept that God was not saying: "Rachel you're a failure!  Look at your own self!"  I believe HE was telling me there is room for improvement, and there's still time to teach better behavior and better responses in future frustrating situations.

I'm grateful that even when we're frustrated, the Holy Ghost, who has been sent to us to guide us, doesn't just run away because we're not holy.  The Holy Ghost will continue to try to teach us better behavior; we just have to work harder to listen.

Boston Marathon

I feel driven to express that my heart aches for the tragic happenings in the Boston area.  We continue to pray for all those in the area including Abe's sister who lives there.  As hate continues to grow and fester in people's hearts, I pray that love will overpower that hate- especially in our families.

The Wave of Peace

A couple of days ago, we had to make a difficult decision and Mariah didn't like where our conversation was going.  It was becoming a strong possibility that we would have to give our dog away.  We hadn't decided for sure yet, but 5 year old Mariah was heart-broken.

Mariah LOVES her dog; his name is Buddy.  He's half chihuahua and half terrier.  They call his mix a chiuahuat.  Mariah has trained Buddy since he was a puppy to know that she is in charge.  She pulls him around with pride and kisses him on the lips (yuck).

This is Mariah at age 2 with little Buddy and her brothers.

Mariah loves ALL dogs.  Even when she was only 3 years old, she would sob in front of the TV as she watched the movie Benji.  We own several of the sequels to Benji, and she still cries every time the dog is taken away.  Now... her own dog was possibly being sent away.

We knelt down for family nighttime prayer.  We tried to calm her down, but she just wailed with pain.  Her body was slumped over and her head tilted back while she cried in agony over her dog.  We knew she was truly devastated at the thought of losing Buddy.   We hugged her and said our family prayer.  We told her we weren't sure yet what we were going to do, but she needed to calm down and go to sleep because we would talk about it more in the morning.

She was quiet for a moment and started to walk to bed.  Then she stopped, turned around, and burst into tears again exclaiming, "I don't know how to calm myself down!!"

My heart broke for her.  I took her in my arms, held her tight, and whispered a very, very slow and calm prayer into her ear.  I said only one sentence at a time and paused for a little while between each sentence.  I could feel her trembling, anxious body relax in my tight hold as I continued to ask God to help calm her down.  It was a precious moment to hold her tiny body as the Lord's peace literally melted her anxiety away.  I felt the peace!  It was like a wave moving from her head down.  I could feel God's power working in her soul.

The prayer wasn't very long, but it was slow, thoughtful, and patient.  By the end of the prayer, Mariah had stopped crying.  Her face no longer showed anxiety, and she peacefully walked to her bed.

I believe that our Heavenly Father would like to calm our worries and assure us that everything is ok; but sometimes in our anxiety over the stressful situation, we don't allow the peace to enter our soul.  Sometimes we pray with deep intensity but don't take a moment between our pleadings to allow the wave of peace to even begin.  It takes work on our part to block the stress so we can allow the peace that is trying to squeeze and permeate through those thick and heavy emotions.

When we lost a baby through a failed adoption last year.  I didn't want to feel peace.  I wanted to feel pain because feeling the pain validated my anger.  A dear friend came to my house during my suffering.  She suggested that I lay my head on her lap... I felt very silly.  I didn't want to lay my head on her lap- that was for children.  I didn't want to even talk to anyone because I liked feeling angry in a weird way.  I finally humbled myself and crumbled in her arms.  I laid my head on her lap and sobbed.  She didn't say a word.  I just cried.... and as I cried, the wave of peace entered my body, and I fell asleep.

As children we trust God very willingly.  As adults we've experienced years of pain... we feel silly trusting like a child... and many times we don't trust the process anymore, so we push that instinct away.  Last night as Abe and I read our scriptures together, this is the message he felt inspired to share:

Matthew 18: 1-4 "(1)At the same time came the disciples unto Jesus, saying, Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven? (2) And Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them, (3) And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.  (4) Whosever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven."

The wave of peace comes as a miracle from God as we allow ourselves to become as a little child and trust.

Miracle of Healing in God's Time

Yesterday, our family planned on going on a memorial run for those affected by the terrorist attacks at the Boston Marathon.  We have been praying for those involved.

As we were getting ready to leave for the event, baby Jayden started crying in periodic shrieks as if sharp pain kept stabbing him.  Every time we touched his left hand or arm, he screamed harder.  I placed a cracker right in front of his left hand, but he awkwardly reached with his right hand to get the cracker.  I tried chocolate chips.... he barely pinched the chocolate chip between his two fingers; but before he could bring it to his mouth, the chocolate chip just dropped to the ground!

I was so worried for him.  I thought that possibly his arm was just asleep from his nap.  He had been awake for about 20 minutes, but I massaged his arm anyway just in case.  That didn't help; I couldn't figure it out.  He hadn't fallen anywhere.  Nobody grabbed his arm... nothing.  The kids and I examined his arm.  Nothing seemed to be out of the socket.  We noticed a little turquoise bruised looking spot on his forearm.  We thought maybe that was it???

I began calling the nearby urgent cares hoping it wasn't broken.  My husband recently switched jobs, and our new insurance wouldn't kick in until May 1st.  Now we were going to have an urgent care visit with no insurance!  We didn't have a choice; he was obviously hurt.

I knelt down and hugged Jayden tight in my arms as I prayed with great earnest for him to be better.  He continued to show signs of pain.  His left arm was completely limp.  I called Abe and told him that we needed to go to the urgent care, but I wanted him to look at Jayden first before we left.  Everybody was ready to go.  As we waited for Abe, Jayden still didn't show any signs of improvement.

Abe arrived...

I placed Jayden in his arms...

and Jayden lifted BOTH of his own arms and wrapped them around Abe's neck giving him the biggest hug!!

What??  I gave him a cracker, and he grabbed it with his previously limp arm and started to eat it.  I took his shirt off to show Abe the little bruise where we thought the source of the pain might have been... the turquoise spot was gone.  Jayden even started to do his happy baby jabber!

The children had witnessed baby Jayden's pain, and they had witnessed the little spot too.  They couldn't believe the change in him either.  Abe only saw a healthy, happy baby Jayden.  The children kept telling him how much he was hurting just moments before.

God answered my prayer and my plea for Jayden's health.  The interesting thing is that Jayden's arm was healed in an instant, but it wasn't the instant I prayed for him... Jayden was healed in the exact moment before we were about to leave to take him to the urgent care.

Over the years, I have noticed that sometimes God waits until the last moment to show us the miracle.  I don't pretend to fully understand all of God's ways because HIS ways are so great and much mightier than my frail understanding.  However, I believe that HE sometimes waits to show us the miracle so that our faith is stretched and strengthened in HIM.

So many thoughts ran through my mind:  "Maybe we weren't supposed to go to the event... maybe God was trying to keep us home for some other reason... maybe HE just wanted to teach us again the power of prayer.... maybe there was something better for our family to do that evening...."

Since we were too late for the memorial run, we decided to go on a 6 mile family bike ride.  I had been waiting all winter to use my new bike trailer, but that wasn't part of God's plans for us either.  After only a mile and a half into the ride, the chain on my bike literally broke in two pieces, and Tyson's bike got a flat tire!  Who knows why all of that happened too.

There is only one thing I am absolutely certain of... my prayers were answered and Jayden was healed in a miraculous way.  I feel truly blessed for such a sweet miracle.  I will never forget the way I felt as I watched Jayden raise both of his arms in sheer joy around his daddy after having felt so much obvious pain just a moment before.

HE is God of miracles.

A Great and Valuable Part of the Team!

Spring football started last night.  It was pouring rain, but we still had a blast!  Abe coached Jackson and Tyson's team, and Jordan played on a different team an hour later.

All the boys played awesome, but Jordan was the champion of his team.  He ran a pick 6 (which is an interception for a touchdown) and 2 more touchdowns after that.  He grabbed at least 20 flags off his opponents not letting the other team score even once.  I was cheering loudly "Go Jo Jo!! Go Jo Jo!! Gooooooo!!!!!!!"

There were only a small handful of parents watching the game because of the rain.  Abe and I spent time talking to most of the parents finding out about their kids, but I kept looking at one parent who stood off on the side.  She never smiled once; I kept wondering why she looked so sad and mad.  She kept calling her son over to talk to him and still never smiled; she only looked stern.  I had all kinds of ideas running through my mind as to why she may not be smiling.  I didn't really know why, but I couldn't stand it anymore.

I called over to her and said, "Hey!  Your son is doing great!  What's his name?"  She told me, and Abe made a few comments about some of his plays and how cute he was.  She responded, "Oh this is his first time ever playing."  We told her again how great he was doing.  He was sooo darn cute. :-)

The next time her son had the ball, the miracle happened!

He had run the ball before; but this time, his mother burst into a huge smile, clapped, and actually threw her head back with joy and laughter!!  She immediately looked over at us with the happiest look on her face.  We had connected!  We cheered  loudly for her son with her.  It was really quite amazing how big her smile was!   It was BEAUTIFUL!!

My heart was touched very deeply.  I turned to Abe and said, "Did you see that?  She's smiling... and laughing!!!"  I know it's not my job to make everyone smile, and some people may be highly irritated at my efforts!  ...but her smile taught me something about human nature.  I believe that most of us are just waiting to connect with others.  We're just waiting to feel a part of something.  After we talked to her, she had the reassurance that her son was a great member of the team no matter how much he knew about the way things are done on the field.  

I began to ponder about church... Maybe some people are wondering if they are really a valuable member or part of the church team... maybe they're new.... we're all still learning.  Sometimes people may come to church for the first time and have a stern look on their face.  It could be interpreted as them wanting to be left alone... but maybe their expression is actually one of just nervousness instead.   Even I have felt nervous at times and wondered if I'm valuable; and when others open their arms to me, it melts those feelings away.  It is quite possible that many of us just need a simple and sincere welcome, a smile, and reassuring words.

Hold On To TRUTH!!

Yesterday was fast and testimony meeting.  Once a month (usually the first Sunday of the month) we fast for 2 meals or 24 hours.  We do this as a worldwide church.  The money that we do not use on food, we give to the Bishop of our congregation who then gives it to those who are in need.  We are encouraged to be generous with that donation.

On the same Sunday of that fast, we hold a testimony meeting.  In this meeting, anyone can walk up to the front of the congregation and bear their testimonies of the truths that they know in their hearts.

Yesterday, Jackson walked up and Jordan followed close behind.  Then five year old Mariah quickly walked up too.  Tyson looked over at me with a look as if to say, "Is it ok?"  I assured him it was, and he walked to the front as well. At the same time, 2 boys from another family also walked up to the front.  All 6 children sat on the stand waiting for their turn to speak.  None of them had prepared beforehand.  In fact the mother of the other two boys said one of her sons took courage to stand after seeing his buddies, my sons, walking to the front.

Usually a couple of my children stand to bear their testimonies during this special meeting; but as all 4 of my older children bore their testimonies, something touched my heart extra profoundly this time.

Jackson bore his testimony proclaiming his gratitude for Christ's sacrifice on the cross and HIS suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane.   Jordan bore his testimony about the truthfulness of this church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and proclaimed that Joseph Smith is a true prophet.  Tyson bore his testimony about Jesus Christ's sacrifice and love for us and also proclaimed that Joseph Smith is a true prophet.  The 2 young boys from the other family also bore their beautiful testimonies.  I felt the Spirit as each one of these 5 boys bore their short yet sincere testimonies.

Mariah was the last of the children to speak.  Since she was the youngest to bear her testimony, I figured she would repeat much of what she had heard.  That was not so...

Mariah stood and bore her testimony about her love for the scriptures.  She talked longer and even paused for a while to think.  She talked about how good the scriptures made her feel.  I cried as she spoke. I thought she was done with her testimony, but then she leaned her little arms on the pulpit and stated her message again about how wonderful the scriptures are.

After bearing her testimony and being overwhelmed with the Spirit, Mariah sat and began to write in her journal during the rest of Sacrament meeting.   I'll interpret a few of her writings.




"I fel the Hot Gost" = I feel the Holy Ghost

"Good is Savir"= God is Savior

"I love you Good"=  I love you God

Now let me tell you why this was so significant and miraculous!!

On Friday, I was reading the scriptures and teaching the children about the history of Joseph Smith to the children at lunchtime when I unexpectedly felt a negative force in my mind that literally stopped me.  I was so taken back by the negativity that I immediately told the children that scripture study was over and quietly went somewhere else to pray.  The children had no idea why I stopped reading; they just figured it was time to move on with the day.

As I prayed and questioned the Lord about those strange feelings, I felt guided to read the scriptures again.  As I read again, peace overwhelmed me.  I knew that Satan had tried hard to attack the message I was sharing with my children.

I didn't fully understand why he had attacked me so hard on Friday until I pondered my children's testimonies.  I realized that God wanted me to hear the depth of the impact the word of God had left on their hearts.  Satan was fighting the teaching that was taking place in the home.

When the adversary attacked, I prayed harder to my Heavenly Father.  In turn, HE blessed me with overwhelming peace; and 2 days later, with the miracle of hearing, feeling, and seeing the effect of that scripture study.

One might think that these children couldn't possibly feel and understand the truthfulness of this gospel at such a young age.  Nobody prepped them, but they each stood with spiritual strength and maturity.  They stood accompanied by the power of the Holy Ghost.

Nobody can tell me there's not a spiritual war going on right now.  I pray that my family will be protected as I continue to move forward in those things that I know to be true.

I testify that we are on the winning side of that war... God's side.  Hold on to TRUTH!!

"Take Time for People"

Last night I went to the grocery store by myself.  I promised Abe I would hurry and be back with a movie for all of us to watch because I would be that fast shopping alone.

As I walked through the store, several times the thought came very strong to me, "Take time for people.  Look at them."

As I crouched down in one of the isles to assess the price on something, I heard some Spanish a little ways behind me.  I turned around to look at who was speaking and saw some friends- an older couple that I love so much.  I went over to say hi and planned on going on my way so I could return in time for my waiting family.  The thought returned again to "take time for people."

I said something in Spanish, but I must have said it wrong because they began to answer a different question.  That different question led into a discussion on a very important topic.

We stood in the aisle at the grocery store for over half an hour shedding tears.  I listened to their most amazing story of faith and strength as they endured their many trials.  I knew that God directed me there at that time when I could truly listen.  As they shared their story, I listened without judgment.  I knew I needed to hear their family's story of great courage.

That moment was a miracle and a testimony builder to me of Christ's great love for each of us.  He wants each of us to feel valued, important, and understood.

I have recently been feeling the pain of so many friends going through hard times and having their faith be challenged; I was grateful to be strengthened by this couple's firm testimonies of following truth despite the hurt they have experienced.  How many more stories need to be heard and told?

I'm so grateful that the Holy Ghost spoke to my heart to warn me of a coming experience that would strengthen both me and this dear couple.  God loves us and wants us to be strong... to hold on to our faith.  If we open our hearts, HE will provide the miracles necessary to strengthen us in the moments we need them most.