I felt powerless and without control over the situation. I will never write the details of how we lost all our money, but our situation was instigated by the unethical practices of another. That was a hard thing to swallow. As I struggled through that pain, the thought continued to come into my mind, "It's ok. Don't be angry. This is where I wanted you anyway." I had to remind myself of this over and over again because it felt as if life was being thrown at me instead of me taking the reins. I felt as if I was hanging on to the tail of a long dragon, and the dragon was whipping me from side to side at the whims of his delight. Sometimes I could even see that dragon in my mind, and I wanted to be set free.
In truth, when you listen to the adversary's influence that all is lost, you are in fact at the tail-end being whipped around.
On days when I wanted to crumble and go hide in a corner, I mustered up the courage to smile, to be joyful, and to try to make a difference. My scriptures, deep love from my family, and many, many prayers were my iron rod. I knew I could not let go of that iron rod that was guiding me through the very real mists of darkness trying to attack my brain! I KNEW I was under attack, and I KNEW that I would push my way through it… but when??? In Elder Holland's October 2013 General Conference talk, "Like a Broken Vessel," he spoke about depression:
" At one point in our married life when financial fears collided with staggering fatigue, I took a psychic blow that was as unanticipated as it was real. With the grace of God and the love of my family, I kept functioning and kept working, but even after all these years I continue to feel a deep sympathy for others more chronically or more deeply afflicted with such gloom than I was. In any case we have all taken courage from those who, in the words of the Prophet Joseph, “search[ed] … and contemplate[d] the darkest abyss” 3and persevered through it—not the least of whom were Abraham Lincoln, Winston Churchill, and Elder George Albert Smith, the latter being one of the most gentle and Christlike men of our dispensation, who battled recurring depression for some years before later becoming the universally beloved eighth prophet and President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints."
I have been tempted to believe it was a sign of weakness when depressing thoughts threatened to dominate my mind. But when I pushed through those depressing thoughts with scriptures in hand, I felt stronger than ever before. Each day was a strengthening moment when I decided to turn to the scriptures instead of wallowing in my disappointments and fears about our future.
I know that so many of you prayed for us, and I sob right now thinking about your beautiful hearts…taking the time to remember our little family in your prayers. We were not starving. We were not without shelter. I just had a broken heart that was struggling to let go of things the way I wanted them to be. The hard part was that I did not have unrighteous desires. I wanted to have a home and money so we could have the means to touch other's lives. Being molded in HIS hands, I learned how to help others the way God wanted me to. It was God's ways… not mine. God's ways have brought many miracles to our little neighborhood and to our ward and to our family.
A Push from God
In mid-December, I felt a very strong push in my heart and mind that it was time to change our situation, so I went full force trying to find our miracle.
My mother sent me a check with literal strings taped to it. Her instructions were that the check was not a gift. It was only to be used to put a deposit down on a house. (My mother is the greatest teacher the world has ever known!! - really!!)
Becoming of One Heart Again
Finding a Home… Would it Work?
Visiting the Home
The moment we entered the city of our destination, my heart began to pound very heavily in my chest. I wanted to squeal with excitement. I told Abe I couldn't be trusted with my emotions. This was my dream spot, and I wouldn't be able to differentiate between my heart and the Holy Ghost.
Then the thought came to me: "What if the Holy Ghost put these desires into my heart? What if God is so great at orchestrating our lives that HE is using our desires to place us where HE wants us to fulfill HIS purposes."
Violin Miracles!! Truly, Truly Beautiful People
It felt as if all would be well if we had to move further away than we planned, but both Abe and I still worried about his job…