Wednesday, January 16, 2013

The Hope of Improvement

Tonight I went to church for the kids' scouts.  While I was there a woman with 6 kids said she has a really loud whistle, so her children have never heard her raise her voice in their lives.  That's amazing!!  I am so imperfect.  I stay calm and happy 95% of the time, but sometimes I just get so frustrated that I feel like by getting visibly upset is the only way I can get the immediate change I want from their behavior. Because it's not too often and because my children are so well behaved everywhere I go, I feel justified in my behavior.  But... I always feel bad about getting upset with them and apologize later.  I have apologized for so long for getting upset with them that I begin to think that I'll never change.  I begin to think that this is just the way I am, and it's working fine.  I'm a good mother.  I have a wonderful relationship with each of our children.  They never say or do mean or angry things to me.  Our children are smart, spiritual, kind, talented, confident, loving, and stable, so they must know that Mommy is just very imperfect at times. While this will always be true, my heart told me tonight that improvement is possible.

I went to write my miracle for today, and I could not think of anything to write. I decided to say my prayers with the hope that God would open my eyes to what He had done for me today.  All of a sudden a conversation I had with my mother tonight entered my heart.  She had told me about a friend of hers who charts goals for the year and each night assesses that goal and rates the progress on a number scale.  At that moment in my prayer, the thought came to me that maybe I can improve!!  Maybe I'm just going about it all wrong!  Maybe there's hope for me to let go of those things that give me guilt at the end of the day.  Maybe I can be a better mother.  Our children will mirror what they see, and I want the best for their lives.  Will I get discouraged?  Of course I will because it's hard to be so imperfect, but I feel empowered to visibly see progress.  I may even dig deeper to improve just to ensure I am progressing.

Where is the miracle?  I had to drop to my knees and pray to find it.  I had to humble myself to see the need for improvement, and I had to open my mind and heart to accept it.  I will try harder tomorrow to be who God intended me to be for our children.