I have written and erased so many blog entries it's ridiculous. I just wasn't ready to write… but I miss you all dearly. My goodness there are a lot of patient, loving friends who have continued to keep contact with me even though I have not reciprocated much back about my life only that I love you… thank you for being instruments in the Lord's hands. I can't tell you how your emails, texts, and Facebook messages lifted me through very dark moments.
I can't write about the things that have tormented my soul over the past several months, but it is safe to say that I have been hurt and broken and am on the road to being healed. I'm hoping that this stitched up soul of mine comes out even stronger than before… I think it will! God has given me a plan!
The 10-hour Video
Little Juliana loves our photo booth feature on our computer. By mistake she left the video camera on today in my bedroom for over 10 hours from this afternoon to late tonight. (Abe is gone to Boston.)
I didn't know it was on. The only indication is just a little green light on the computer. I discovered the camera late tonight. After my initial grumbles, I was curious about what a portion of a day in my life would look like, so I took the time to watch the segments of myself while I was in my bedroom that were recorded.
During that period of time children approached me with: peed pants, a stolen phone hiding in his socks (our little Jayden received a scolding for that one), a mysterious soaked bed from… pee again during the day??, a violin solo, rantings and tears about the injustices of the world, and requests for help with school work, clothes and hairdos. There was so much more that went on throughout the day, but these were just the events while I was in my bedroom for a short time!
I watched myself finally sit down at the computer for a moment of peace when all the children were supposed to be in bed when… yes… another child entered the room with a request. I watched my eyes plead for a break as I turned around to face him, and it made me sad for that woman on the other side of the screen… I was sad for me… then I watched myself kneel down and pray. (I had never seen myself pray before, but I watched the intensity on my face and knew God had to have heard that prayer.)
As I watched, I wanted that woman to smile more in her quiet moments. I wanted that woman to dance with joy through her bedroom. I wanted that woman to sing. I wanted that woman to shout her love more… that was the woman that once was… could she come back? …but she's different now… she's been stitched up over and over again from the many heartbreaks of this life… Is it possible to be the carefree woman again?
I decided she probably couldn't be carefree, but she could definitely have pure joy and a greater light and life in her eyes!!
I went on a run a few weeks ago, and the Lord told me very distinctly that HE has given me ALL the tools I need to be happy. I just needed to search for those gifts and talents and use them.
That thought has been stewing in my mind ever since.
Today as I was pulling some weeds in our yard, I tried to stand up and immediately dropped to the ground again because my knee slid out of the socket and popped right back in! I thanked God with all my heart that it went back, but oh did it hurt!
I continued to pray as I pulled the weeds and remembered what God had spoken to my heart the last time I was pulling weeds:
God told me that while it is important to pull the weeds, it is even more important to fill the yard with good grass so thick that the weeds can't even budge their way through. I needed to work on building the turf.
(I could tell God wasn't really talking to me about my yard.)
I needed to work on filling my home with so much goodness and love that there wouldn't even be room for the frustrations and harsh words (the weeds) to squeeze their way in.
It was a very distinct message and the words have been marinating in my soul for quite some time…
This afternoon, I took my children on an impromptu visit to the beach while we waited for Jackson, my oldest, to get out of band practice. The children were laughing and splashing and having so much fun!!
I was sitting in the sand with knee pain, and in the midst of their fun, one of the kids kicked a huge wad of wet sand into my eyeball. I couldn't see a thing! A stranger had to pour water over my eyeball- my eye is going to hurt for several days still. All of a sudden all I saw was what my children lacked:
They should have helped me more, they should have grabbed water faster, they should have shown more sympathy, they should have been more cautious… that is… if they REALLY cared about their mother's pain… so I thought. Those thoughts escalated so much that I actually forgot how wonderfully they had been playing together and how sweet Tyson was to take care of his younger siblings… I had forgotten it all because my focuses were on what they lacked- I was focused on all their weeds!
As I looked at the pictures tonight though, I realized that they were really much more selfless than I had given them credit for. Sweet Tyson was holding his siblings' hands when he could have been running free in the water.
God DID answer that prayer in my bedroom by my computer… HE helped me to SEE!!
After the pictures, the video of me, and the weeds, I decided that I needed to take on the challenge of building the turf in our home and in our children's lives. Because I believe that as I build their turf, they will have more of a tendency to build the turfs of those around them… especially their siblings' turfs! I see it- when I pick at their weeds too much, they pick at each other's weeds.
Can I teach my children to be kind, loving, honest, talented, hard-working, and righteous WITHOUT CONSTANTLY picking at their weeds?? I think I can! We all have weeds to pluck out, but I believe our focus needs to be on the tools, talents and gifts the Lord has given us to succeed at living with joy!
I'm going to try it!
That is my miracle! God has helped me to see that I can make positive changes. As I spend more time building my children's turf, I know that my own soul will be filled with greater joy… simply because I'm not so disappointed in the weeds all the time.
My plan? I will start off by trying to turn my words around to see the positive… I will report on what happens.