Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Emotional Roller Coaster

I've been a bit grumpy for the last couple of days, so I honestly didn't feel like I could write anything of worth.  In the midst of my grumpiness, many little miracles and kind deeds helped me to feel God's love and understanding for me despite my imperfections.

These are my downswings lifted by God's upswings:

*Right in the thick of my emotional struggle, the Bishop called my husband's cell phone.  He said, "I'm at work right now, but I just felt like I should take a break and call your family.  Is everything ok?"  Abe answered quite brightly that all was great in our lives.  When he hung up, I said, "Why did you tell him that everything was great?  I am not GREAT!!  I'm really, really sad!  I'm going to call him back right now."  (We've only spoken to our Bishop briefly once or twice in the two months we have lived here, so Abe seemed quite surprised that I was going to pour out my heart of frustrations to him.)  Abe said, "Have you thought through what you're going to say to him before you call him back?"  I told him I didn't need to because the Bishop already felt inspired to call me- he knew somebody in our family was struggling.  I want him to know he was inspired to call!"  Although my frustrating situation has not changed, our bishop's phone call was a great step towards feeling validated and understood.  The Bishop shared the greatness of God's love for me, and the power with which he spoke touched my heart.  He assured me my frustrations were not silly.  I needed that validation because I felt ungrateful to God every time my frustrations crept back into my heart.  My biggest frustration being that I don't have a space to call my own.

*I went to the store... still feeling grumpy.  When you're grumpy, you start to see the whole world as grumpy too.  I was on my way back out to the van with my cart.  There was a lady walking beside me.  She happened to be going to the car right next to my big van.  She impolitely crossed in front of me and cut me off so that she could open her car before I could open the side of my van to let my children into the van.  I just stood back and didn't say a word.  I watched her wondering why she felt like she had to be so impolite.    She then hurried to her trunk while I began loading my children and my groceries into the side of the van.  Right at that moment, my bag of apples tipped over and half of them went rolling under my van and under the car on the other side of the van.  I grumbled as I got on my stomach to reach the apples.  While down there, I was shocked to see this same woman rushing over to crawl under another car reaching for my other apple that I had lost.  I couldn't believe this was the same woman who I assumed was in too much of a rush to think of others.  It felt so good in my heart to see this woman how God sees her... a woman who is kind and full of service.

*After spending the entire morning making phone calls to Walmart's customer service, I went straight to Walmart to resolve a ridiculous issue about a refund for my phone.  There were all kinds of conflicting emails I was receiving from a third party company associated with Walmart, and instead of sending me a reimbursement for a new phone when they were supposed to, this third party was going to take a week to do it.  I complained to them for quite some time that I needed a phone sooner to keep track of my kids and that ethically they needed to follow through with what they said they would do.   I prayed for help because I was feeling like this was just one more thing piled on top of my other frustrations.  A stranger- a really big man with tatoos all over his legs- approached me with the upmost sincerity.  He very lovingly said, "How are you doing?"  I said, "I'm frustrated."  He responded so kindly, "I understand.  I overheard, and I'm sorry." I could have hugged him right then and there!!  Finally, the manager looked at me with sympathy and said, "We're going to take care of you."  We walked to the back of the store, got the new phone; and while they rang it up, one of his co-workers even rushed to get a chair for me to sit down while I held my sleeping baby Jayden.  I felt grateful for resolution and so much kindness in the process.

*I had so much to do... I still needed to get my Florida Driver's license.  With documents in hand, I went to the wrong location, had insufficient documents, and I discovered it would cost 20 more dollars than I had assumed.  After driving to the next city, I finally made it to the license desk.  I had my picture taken for my license while I was once again holding my sleeping baby Jayden.  I stood at the desk, and the employee called to another customer to get me a chair.  I couldn't believe he was doing that for me.  I sat quietly and relaxed from all my worries as he recorded all my documents into Florida records.

I've never had anyone rush to get me a chair in a public place... two different gentlemen in two different locations insisted on bringing me a chair when I needed extra tenderness.  Again, I felt God's hand comforting my grumpy, sad, and worn out soul.

*I decided that along with increased scripture study, I wanted to return to memorizing more scriptures as a family so that words of encouragement were running through our minds with more ease.  We had been slacking in that area for several months.  I was trying to devise a plan to help my younger children and older children stay on the same page with their memorization, but their ability to memorize varied greatly.  I felt inspired to visit a blog that I hadn't been to in a very long time.  I was surprised to see her page filled with great ideas of how to help little children memorize the most important pieces of scripture.  That's EXACTLY what I had been pondering about!  I downloaded 6 of her scripture signs and presented the plan to the family.  That experience reassured me that God was still giving me revelation even though I felt lost in our financial endeavors.  HE has not left us alone- I know that God is very much a part of our lives, and I am more confident in that knowledge when HE guides us in these simple areas of life.

*I have felt like a roller coaster of emotions.  I told my husband that I need even more tenderness these days.  His father held my hands and explained to Abe that women just need to be catered to sometimes.  My humble husband came home with roses and a long, tender kiss today!

I felt silly being the one with emotional issues, but now I feel grateful that I am loved enough by a dear Heavenly Father who placed people in my path these last couple of days to "cater" to my roller coaster of emotions.  I'm not always like this, and I'm trying desperately to keep a bright perspective on what may be in our financial future.  In the meantime, I'm grateful there are inspired Bishops, strangers, father-in-laws, and husbands who are willing to do the little things that let me know God is aware of our every need.