Abe and I have 6 children, but we're also watching 4 more children this weekend until Sunday night. Yes... that makes 10 children!! My in-laws left this afternoon, so we actually had 14 people in our little house last night. It's a party in this house for sure!!! :-)
Today, we attended a theater performance, and the older children attended some theater classes and workshops. We also visited the children's museum in between the classes. After our little trips and eating and cleaning, Abe and I took all 10 children to the YMCA to play basketball. We had enough people for 2 teams!! The kids were playing great!! They were all passing and shooting so nicely.
The girls played part of the time, and the other part of the time they ran on the track that circled the basketball courts. Juliana, age 2, bear crawled, shook her behind, and twirled for 5 laps around the track. Worried, I called out to a couple using the track and asked if she was in their way. They smiled and said, "Oh no! She's amusing us. We like watching her."
I turned my attention back to the boys on the court. I was surprised to see Tyson on the ground with his face contorted in pain, while Jordan stared at him in utter shock. Apparently, Tyson had dribbled down for a lay-up, and in a panic, Jordan lunged onto his back causing Tyson's legs to buckle! Tyson did a face-plant on the ground and was not happy that his little brother just took him out. The other children stood on the court waiting quietly while Abe disciplined Jordan speaking firmly but not yelling. Right while he was scolding him, the man on the track came straight towards us.
He had a serious look on his face, so I looked around for the 3 little girls. I thought, "Oh my gosh, he's mad about something. What are my kids doing wrong?" It seemed to me like the walk towards us lasted forever because I had so many worries running through my head as he walked. Once he finally reached us, he suddenly smiled very broadly, patted Abe on the back, and said, "You're doing a fantastic job getting all these kids to play so well together. Keep up the great work."
Abe and I looked at each other like, "Really? Did he just see what happened?"
Oh I'm sure he saw the tackle, but I believe that this man had been looking at the overall picture. As he circled the courts, he had been watching how great ALL these kids had been playing the entire time. Maybe he saw that little 7 yr. old Jordan was just playing extra aggressive to keep up with the bigger boys... he wasn't trying to hurt anyone. While it's important to curb bad behavior, it's also important to see the behavior from the broader perspective. Yes, Jordan needed to repent for his actions, but his mistake didn't discount all the good he had done for the last hour as he played with the sportsmanship of a champion. He had some big boys to compete against, and he was still the best dribbler out there!
I sat on the bleachers holding our baby for quite some time feeling that the Holy Ghost had sent this man to teach me something deeper. I knew I would need to ponder on this more later.
It wasn't until tonight that my mind was opened... the miracle of clarity!!
God knows that I identify a lot with sports, so he helped me to "see" his love through basketball.
Nobody would know but God how hard I am on myself each night. I tear myself apart for each mistake I make. I worry about every single thing I've said and done. It wears me out feeling like such a failure and a loser each night because of my mistakes. I keep promising to start over and do it right the next day.
I realized tonight that just as that man was watching Jordan's entire basketball game, God is watching my entire game of life. He's taking into consideration my weaknesses and my knowledge, and He's not focusing on my missed shots or when I lose the ball. He simply coaches me into better decisions.
I have been putting so much pressure on myself to be the best mother and wife that I literally erase all my points off the score board every time I mess up. I want a perfect game, but God is not requiring a perfect game of me. I need to repent daily, but repentance does not equate with loser. Repentance means letting go of the sin and keeping the good in my life. It's really quite beautiful... to erase the bad and keep the good. THAT means I can keep tallying up my good points day to day. Repentance is not erasing my points; repentance is erasing my opponent's points!! I had that confused! I thought I had to keep starting over. God wanted me to just continue...
Don't we do that as mothers? I a saw quote that said something like "there is a pretty awesome kid out there who has a mom who is pretty sure she is screwing things up."
ReplyDeleteI was just studying about repentance in my study last week. We were asked to define repentance (Feel or express sincere regret or remorse about one's wrongdoing or sin) verses regret (feeling sorry or feeling sorry you got caught). It was in regard to Esau not being regretful and Jacob being repentant. It is so wonderful that God redeems us of our wrongdoing. I read a book several years ago called Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. I think it was made into a movie. It is a beautiful illustration of God's patience and redeeming love for us. Isaiah 44:22 - I have blotted out, as a thick cloud, thy transgressions, and, as a cloud, thy sins: return unto me; for I have redeemed thee. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you Cristee! I'm glad to know that I am not alone. I hate being so imperfect which makes me love my Savior even more. I'll look up the movie... or the book.
DeleteI REALLY liked the overall point you made here. How we focus on what we did wrong and our Father in Heaven looks upon the ENTIRETY of the game (who we are, our life). I SO needed to hear that. We often try to be "perfect", given the scripture in Matthew ("Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.) We attempt to judge ourselves by this earthly definition of what "perfect" is when we should try to understand it in the way that Father in Heaven meant it. He, of course, was referring to our perfecting brightness and hope and faith in Christ, etc. It is even clearly stated as an objective, meaning journey. There is no way to be perfect in this life, as human beings. We sin millions of times a day, even without realizing it (we aren't reverent enought, we judge too quickly, we are sarcastic, we don't offer love first, etc) and the only thing to do is at the end of the day, repent and allow the perfecting mercy of the Atonement take place.
ReplyDeleteSo, as a mother, I - like you - often tear myself up at night and I find that my prayers include phrases like, "Please don't let my children remember my upset...please help them to remember the good..." and I then take upon myself all of the requirements and intentions to be better the next day. And, of course, the next day I am good in one area but falter in another. I learned that this is how it is supposed to be. This life here on earth, is a refiner's fire. It is a process. In order to gain from this life what we need to, we have to bump up against temptations, sorrow, difficulties and even our own shortcomings and frailties because in all things we must remember who our Savior is and we must turn to Him in humility and meekness. Those two characteristics are required. It doesn't mean that we beat ourselves up, but it means that we recognize that we cannot do this alone. And more importantly, we were never asked to do it alone.
I appreciate you sharing your experiences as a mother, wife and women. Your example helps me to recognize areas in my own life where I need to let the Lord in and cut myself some slack because when I don't, I am not allowing our Savior's mercy to work in me.
I loved what you said about never being asked to do it alone. I'm kind of stubborn and want to prove that I can do things on my own. My stubbornness is the opposite of the humility and meekness you brought up. I have said those same prayers of asking God for my children to remember the good.
DeleteMy mom sent this text after my blog post: "Remember that being perfect is just being whole, 1 with Christ. Maybe today we are a 25 and Christ is the 75. We make a winning score of 100 for today. Tomorrow we're 20, and he is 80. He's on our team, and he never gave up. He doesn't care if we win, we just finish the race. He fills in what we can't do. He's our partner. "
These are things that I do know; but when the going gets tough, it's nice for me to have a reminder. :)
Thank you for your great insights!!