Monday, March 4, 2013

Saying Goodbye

I can't even find the right words.  My best childhood friend has been called home today.  Nothing may come out the way I want, but I feel a desire to write... in honor of Melody and in respect of my Savior, Jesus Christ, who has welcomed her into his loving arms this morning.  I also write in an effort to make sense of the pain that I feel. 

My body is weak, my head is pounding, my heart aches, and I can not contain the tears.  I have spent the last 2 days mourning her sickness with her family and a couple of her friends who have also shared years of memories and friendships with our angel.  I don't know how anything I could write, could do justice for the beautiful soul that has been called back home today, but I will try. 

After visiting my best childhood friend in some of her last hours this weekend, I had the hardest time leaving their home each day because I felt a special spirit there that must have reminded me of my Heavenly home.  The feeling of love was tremendous.

The stronger you love someone, the deeper the pain of losing them hits.  I wouldn’t take away any bit of that love to lessen the pain; in fact, I wish I would have shown more love even though we lived so far apart.  The love is so worth the pain, and I know that my Savior’s love will eventually absorb this pain that I feel… as soon as I’m ready to let Him.

Every bit of me wanted to leave Missouri this morning because I knew what was coming.  Maybe if I could just go back to Michigan, I wouldn't feel the pain so deeply.  I’m grateful my parents and husband wouldn’t let me go.  I knew the pain would follow me wherever I went.   

I continued to pray this morning pleading for the miracles that I wanted.

I wanted her to live!  I wanted to keep hugging her and hearing her laugh; I wanted more memories with her.  I wanted her to continue her beautiful life of giving and loving and serving so selflessly.  She still had such a vibrant life to live!! 

I didn’t want her parents and siblings to have to say a premature goodbye.  They adored her… cherished her… admired her… she was the baby of their family.  She wasn’t supposed to be the first one to go.  I wanted her to still be there for her precious sons.  Her sons are amazing.  They have kindness and understanding in their eyes.  The kind of boys they are speaks volumes of her devotion as a mother.  I wanted her to grow old with her strong, gentle husband.  I don't believe there has ever been a husband on the planet that worked harder than he did to try to save his wife’s life.  He protected her from unneeded emotional and physical pain as best he knew how.  He loves her passionately and selflessly.  He found the miracle in every tender word spoken of Christ.  His boys will forever be loved and protected by Bobby's heart and hands… but yet… we wanted her here with us forever.

It’s so hard to let go… it’s so hard to say goodbye… I gave her one last kiss on her warm cheek last night… and cried like a baby.

My husband was out of town up until the day I left, so I couldn’t have left any sooner. Just the week before, Melody was smiling and greeting hundreds of people for a fund-raiser on her behalf.  From the pictures, I saw how beautiful she looked. 

I am forced to see the miracle in this, no matter how hard it may be. 

God did not give me the miracle that I wanted.  I have to accept His will.  He gave me the miracle that I needed in order to endure His will. 

The miracle is that my Heavenly Father allowed me to arrive just in time to speak to Melody while she could still speak… to give her my love… to thank her for her influence in my young impressionable years… to hold her precious warm hands that had done so much good in her lifetime. I arrived to Melody’s home Saturday morning, and Melody returned to her Heavenly home this beautiful Monday morning, March 4, 2013.

I am forever grateful to have been accepted as a member of her family and to have my final moments with her.  I do know that she will be ever-present in her children’s lives… as their angel mother.  I look forward to the day I see Melody again and will try harder to be a better friend and a better person in honor of her.