I haven't wanted to write about this because I didn't want to get anyone else down by talking about my disappointments. However, it's what is weighing on my heart and mind A LOT!
The job my husband decided to take just before we left for Florida did not turn out the way we had hoped. He would have been doing sales for a company that had several reviews of bad ethics. We chose not to work that job.
It is a very unsettling feeling to live in somebody else's home, to do all that you know how to do to find a job that will support such a large family, and not know when everything will fall into place.
Believe me... I KNOW God is looking out for us, and I KNOW HE is preparing a wonderful future for us as we try our very hardest... but it's HARD to WAIT!!!!!
I feel helpless, frustrated, and at times discouraged. Then I look back and realize it really hasn't been that long. I look back and realize that random checks for past jobs have come into the mail just in time so we can buy the things we need. I look back and am humbled by the graciousness of both of our parents. I look back... I look back... I look back... and KNOW that God is taking care of us.
Yesterday morning I read an article from the July Ensign by Elder Larry W. Gibbons because an image accompanied it of a man pushing against a cloud of darkness. I thought, "I need to read that because that is EXACTLY the way I often feel lately." It's a constant job to push away the adversary's desire to completely suck every bit of hope for a decent job away from me.
"I HAVE HOPE!!" I keep reminding myself as I muster up my courage and push the cloud of doubt away.
In the article, President Boyd K. Packer, President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, was quoted: "Faith, to be faith, must walk to the edge of the light, and then a few steps into the darkness."
Before I read the article, I told Abe that I felt tight inside, needed to burst out, and be set free... not free from my life... just free from my thought process.
Guess what was in the very next paragraph... Elder Gibbons said, "Most of us naturally long for security and clarity in life, but there must be some uncertainty to allow us to use our agency and grow. There is no freedom without agency, and there is no true agency without some risk. Therefore, there is no true freedom without some risk, some uncertainty."
That was a very interesting quote to me because I had never considered risk to be part of God's plan. It was also interesting because I had JUST had the sensation of needing freedom. Wow! I was supposed to read that article.
...but it got better. I took my boys to scouts last night at our church. I casually chatted about some doctrines of the church to one of our Bishop's counselors. He didn't even know about our current job/house situation. Out of the blue he quoted the EXACT quote from President Packer that I had just read about taking steps into the darkness! In shock I questioned him, "Why did you just say that? Darn it! Now I KNOW for SURE that was the message I needed to hear!" .. and I was hoping for some security and clarity immediately!
I'll try to learn this principle quickly, and in the process I'll know that God is here and teaching me through every trial. Miracles are here now, and miracles are coming. I thank God for guiding me through it all.
Ay, chica...I know this feeling all too well. And it seems to come at the most inoportune time, too! I recently added this quote to my wall on Facebook and thought I would share it here. You may have already heard it but it simply is too accurate to not hear again and again until we commit it to memory.
ReplyDelete“Peace is not the thing you feel right before you need to face your fears. But, it comes right after you do. There is peace on the other side of brave.” - Laurel Christensen Day (TOFW)
It just makes sense and it just seems to fit. I know you are brave (which, by the way, doesn't mean you don't struggle) and I know you are ever attuned to the Lord's hand in your life. These moments of worry and seedlings of doubt are simply you doing the work that we came down here to do --- to learn to trust, to learn to have faith in all things, to learn to call upon the Lord in all things. The absence of these moments (trials) was the environment that was in the Garden of Eden, but we are past that and are on Level 2 :o)
Hang in there. I am excited to hear of the great blessings that will come for your integrity in not joining with a company who's ethics were not what they should be. Remember, God's laws are not up for a vote and it is not majority rules. They are the same, today, tomorrow and forever. You did the right thing and just as he has proven time after time, you will be blessed in greater abundance than you even think you need.
Un fuerte abrazo!
Thank you so much for sharing that quote! The truth of it has been speaking to my mind all day. "Peace on the other side of brave." Maybe writing about my fears placed me in an emotional position to face that fear with a clearer perspective. I didn't expect peace to come from writing about it, but I have felt a great release. Maybe voicing my fear was the bravery I needed to LET MY FEARS GO. (Thanks for bearing with me as I think "out loud") :-)
DeleteThank you also for sharing your faith and encouraging words. Your faith is great! Thank you for your insight. Te mando un fuerte abrazo aun mas grande por tus palabras inspiradas y por tu amistad. Que Dios te bendiga.
You don't know me, but I just had to thank you so much for your blog. I was first directed here by your spotlight in the TOFW emails. Now I'm hooked. :) I am so grateful for your choice of optimism, for your search for God's hand in your every single day. And I am amazed at what you find! I am also grateful that you include that you struggle sometimes (because then I can relate to you! :)). This post spoke to me because I've felt it so much over the past couple of years in my family's life and it's been hard! I am grateful for the insights that you share.
ReplyDeleteI also had to post because, several days ago, I was delighted to see the pic of you and your hubby with him in an SVU shirt! :) My husband directed the library there for 6 years so when I saw that shirt I felt at home. :) Actually, we moved away about a year after the Smiths (Justin and Kristie) moved there. I think Jericho Road performed there not long after my family moved away (disappointing for us!). Anyway. It just made me feel more connected to you all even though we've never met. :)
Anyway, you are beautiful and your family is beautiful and I am grateful for the light that you all share with the world. I am wishing you all the best in FL and hope that you don't mind if I continue to read your wonderful blog!
Jennifer
Jennifer, thank you so much for your comment, and I also read it to my husband. :-)
DeleteThank you so much for sharing a little bit about yourself. I LOVE connecting, and I would LOVE to have you continue to read. I'm grateful my scattered words speak to your heart. I'm so sorry you too have been facing hardship. I wanted to keep my hardship to myself, but an overwhelming feeling came to me that others may have felt the same... thus is life.
I know that life is also joyful when the burdens are lightened by LETTING THEM GO... I'm always working how to do that with each new trial. :-) Jericho Road sings a song called, "Let It Go" in a lot of their performances. Michael McLean wrote it. It's my FAVORITE song, and I hope they record it someday.
Please let Abe know if you ever make it to one of their concerts. Although I can rarely travel with them, we would both love to meet you. :-)
Thank you for taking the time to personally respond. I would certainly love to meet you and Abe sometime--maybe it will happen someday!!
ReplyDeleteI just had to comment once more because yesterday you talked about life throwing "curve balls" at us, and we had a really big one thrown at us yesterday. I've been bewildered and confused about why the Lord would seemingly "change direction" on us when we thought we were headed where He wanted us to go. My dad, who is really close to the Spirit, shared some helpful thoughts with me last night. But along with that, I have thought so much about many of the thoughts that you have shared as of late on your blog and they also help to lend insight and peace at a time when I feel a little lost. So thank you again! It's wonderful to have strength in numbers.
Oh--and I also looked up that song, and it is so great! I can imagine how beautiful it is when Jericho Road sings it--definitely recording-worthy. And I'm glad that you shared it because it will help me navigate this next curve in the road!
Thank you for sharing your experience. I sincerely hope your "curve ball" ends up opening up beautiful miracles in your life. I believe your absolutely right about the "strength in numbers" because I feel YOUR strength. It's good to know we're not alone. God is working through some things in our lives- sometimes it takes a little longer for our limited understanding to comprehend it all. Thank you again!:-)
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