Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Darkness, Light, Risk, Freedom

I haven't wanted to write about this because I didn't want to get anyone else down by talking about my disappointments.  However, it's what is weighing on my heart and mind A LOT!

The job my husband decided to take just before we left for Florida did not turn out the way we had hoped.  He would have been doing sales for a company that had several reviews of bad ethics.  We chose not to work that job.

It is a very unsettling feeling to live in somebody else's home, to do all that you know how to do to find a job that will support such a large family, and not know when everything will fall into place.

Believe me... I KNOW God is looking out for us, and I KNOW HE is preparing a wonderful future for us as we try our very hardest... but it's HARD to WAIT!!!!!

I feel helpless, frustrated, and at times discouraged.  Then I look back and realize it really hasn't been that long.  I look back and realize that random checks for past jobs have come into the mail just in time so we can buy the things we need.  I look back and am humbled by the graciousness of both of our parents.  I look back... I look back... I look back... and KNOW that God is taking care of us.

Yesterday morning I read an article from the July Ensign by Elder Larry W. Gibbons because an image accompanied it of a man pushing against a cloud of darkness.  I thought, "I need to read that because that is EXACTLY the way I often feel lately."  It's a constant job to push away the adversary's desire to completely suck every bit of hope for a decent job away from me.

"I HAVE HOPE!!"  I keep reminding myself as I muster up my courage and push the cloud of doubt away.

In the article, President Boyd K. Packer, President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, was quoted:  "Faith, to be faith, must walk to the edge of the light, and then a few steps into the darkness." 

Before I read the article, I told Abe that I felt tight inside, needed to burst out, and be set free... not free from my life... just free from my thought process.

Guess what was in the very next paragraph... Elder Gibbons said, "Most of us naturally long for security and clarity in life, but there must be some uncertainty to allow us to use our agency and grow.  There is no freedom without agency, and there is no true agency without some risk.  Therefore, there is no true freedom without some risk, some uncertainty."

That was a very interesting quote to me because I had never considered risk to be part of God's plan.  It was also interesting because I had JUST had the sensation of needing freedom.  Wow!  I was supposed to read that article.

...but it got better.  I took my boys to scouts last night at our church.  I casually chatted about some doctrines of the church  to one of our Bishop's counselors.  He didn't even know about our current job/house situation.  Out of the blue he quoted the EXACT quote from President Packer that I had just read about taking steps into the darkness!  In shock I questioned him, "Why did you just say that? Darn it!  Now I KNOW for SURE that was the message I needed to hear!"  .. and I was hoping for some security and clarity immediately!

I'll try to learn this principle quickly, and in the process I'll know that God is here and teaching me through every trial.  Miracles are here now, and miracles are coming.  I thank God for guiding me through it all.