Monday, September 23, 2013

Strong Through What?

I tried to write in my blog last night, and I couldn't.  I tried to write early this morning, and I couldn't.  I tried again to write just now, and I couldn't... until I expressed what was really in my heart... until I wrote what God is really doing in my life at this moment.

I am headed to the doctor today to hopefully resolve some concerns that I have about my health.  Frankly, these concerns have been taking over any other thoughts in my head for the past several days.

It is a very unsettling feeling to look at your life with different eyes.  On one hand I begin to feel angry that something could be wrong with my healthy body.  On the other hand... I have felt more patient with the small details that aren't going right.

It is the unknown that is the most unsettling.  The questions... the possibilities... the doubts...

How does one let go of the yearning to know what it is that God has in store for the immediate future? How long do I have to wait to find out?

My husband and father-in-law gave me a priesthood blessing saying that my body would be strong.  That statement alone raised other questions in my mind... strong through what? 

In my state of worry, two different friends on Facebook left messages on my wall expressing that I am a strong woman.  I didn't tell them that I am facing a difficult health situation and that I needed to hear that I was strong.  I will eventually tell them just how inspired they were.

I began to read the Ensign this morning hoping to take my mind elsewhere.  My Ensign magazine fell open to a page in the middle of a story that I had never opened to before.  It talked about the courage of a man who faced the exact same question that worried my heart.  In shock, I turned to the front of the story... and cried.  He faced and conquered what I feared.

Maybe "strong through what" isn't the lesson I need to learn... just that God wants me to be strong.

My Doctor Visit

I waited all weekend to speak to a health professional about my health concern, and she calmed my nerves a great deal.  I found three lumps in my chest last week, and to say that I have been worried would be an understatement.  Breast cancer runs in my family, and all weekend I have been praying and pleading with my Heavenly Father to keep me alive to raise my children.  Nightmares dominated my sleep.  I couldn't do anything fun just for the fun of it.  My mind wouldn't allow me to do it!

As beautiful as Heaven will be, I couldn't bare the thought of leaving my beautiful children before I felt that my work was finished with them.  I don't think I'll ever feel ready!  There are just too many amazing things yet to do in this life.

As my doctor checked me over, she said she could feel my worry.  Tears flowed down my cheeks and my palms sweat profusely.  I wanted so badly for my body to stay healthy and strong for my family.

Good News!

My doctor believes the lumps in my chest are merely cysts, (*Relief*) but I will get the official report tomorrow after the ultrasound and diagnostic mammogram.  I would greatly appreciate your prayers, but I do feel STRONG!!

Something strange happened... I got so caught up in my fears that I had forgotten my strength!  The challenge is to find that strength in the midst of the trial.

Again... Strong through what?  Strong through EVERYTHING because God is with us through EVERYTHING.  As we dig deep and muster up whatever courage or strength remains within in us, God steps in to strengthen those remains when we think we're at our end.

I received a second blessing last night to calm my nerves.  I wanted the main message to tell me that I did not have cancer.  Instead... over and over again, I received the message of Jesus Christ's great love for me.  HIS love is great and forever comforting.