I am headed to the doctor today to hopefully resolve some concerns that I have about my health. Frankly, these concerns have been taking over any other thoughts in my head for the past several days.
It is a very unsettling feeling to look at your life with different eyes. On one hand I begin to feel angry that something could be wrong with my healthy body. On the other hand... I have felt more patient with the small details that aren't going right.
It is the unknown that is the most unsettling. The questions... the possibilities... the doubts...
How does one let go of the yearning to know what it is that God has in store for the immediate future? How long do I have to wait to find out?
My husband and father-in-law gave me a priesthood blessing saying that my body would be strong. That statement alone raised other questions in my mind... strong through what?
In my state of worry, two different friends on Facebook left messages on my wall expressing that I am a strong woman. I didn't tell them that I am facing a difficult health situation and that I needed to hear that I was strong. I will eventually tell them just how inspired they were.
I began to read the Ensign this morning hoping to take my mind elsewhere. My Ensign magazine fell open to a page in the middle of a story that I had never opened to before. It talked about the courage of a man who faced the exact same question that worried my heart. In shock, I turned to the front of the story... and cried. He faced and conquered what I feared.
Maybe "strong through what" isn't the lesson I need to learn... just that God wants me to be strong.
My Doctor Visit
I waited all weekend to speak to a health professional about my health concern, and she calmed my nerves a great deal. I found three lumps in my chest last week, and to say that I have been worried would be an understatement. Breast cancer runs in my family, and all weekend I have been praying and pleading with my Heavenly Father to keep me alive to raise my children. Nightmares dominated my sleep. I couldn't do anything fun just for the fun of it. My mind wouldn't allow me to do it!As beautiful as Heaven will be, I couldn't bare the thought of leaving my beautiful children before I felt that my work was finished with them. I don't think I'll ever feel ready! There are just too many amazing things yet to do in this life.
As my doctor checked me over, she said she could feel my worry. Tears flowed down my cheeks and my palms sweat profusely. I wanted so badly for my body to stay healthy and strong for my family.
Good News!
My doctor believes the lumps in my chest are merely cysts, (*Relief*) but I will get the official report tomorrow after the ultrasound and diagnostic mammogram. I would greatly appreciate your prayers, but I do feel STRONG!!Something strange happened... I got so caught up in my fears that I had forgotten my strength! The challenge is to find that strength in the midst of the trial.
Again... Strong through what? Strong through EVERYTHING because God is with us through EVERYTHING. As we dig deep and muster up whatever courage or strength remains within in us, God steps in to strengthen those remains when we think we're at our end.
I received a second blessing last night to calm my nerves. I wanted the main message to tell me that I did not have cancer. Instead... over and over again, I received the message of Jesus Christ's great love for me. HIS love is great and forever comforting.
Cancer runs through my family--my own mother was almost taken by breast cancer.
ReplyDeleteI sure love you. You are such a super strength to me as i've been dealing with all of my own issues. You are loved and you are cared about! Know that I've kept you and Abe on the Mesa Temple Prayer Roll and in my own personal prayers. Keep us posted on your results. xoxo
No Cancer!!! Wow! It feels great to write that! Thank you so much for sending both your understanding and your love. What a heart-wrenching week it's been. My mother is also a breast cancer survivor. Hooray to our hero mothers!! Thank you for your love and for your prayers. You don't know what a strength it was to me to know that your prayers and those of the temple were aiding me as I entered the hospital today.
Delete...and thank you for the xoxoxo. I needed those as well. I love you!
DeleteAy, chica...I understand this great sense of worry and emotional juggling you are carrying with you. How amazing that you find the hope in all things. Sometimes, yes, it is easy to get lost in the fears, but again, just as the sun rises each day - hope always rises to the top...and carries us with it.
ReplyDeleteTears rolled down my cheeks as I read your words about wanting to remain here for your children. Sigh. I cannot tell you the number of times that I have carried that same prayer in my own heart for my children. I have often told my husband how upset I would be if I had to leave them at a young age (and by young I mean anything before 30!)
I am so touched that you reached out to those of us out here in "cyberlandia" to ask for support and yes, even strength. How amazing that long ago, you developed this blog and developed some of these relationships so that you could call upon them now. I can tell you this (and I'm sure you know), sit back and prepare yourself for the overwhelming feeling of being loved and cared for because prayers said on another's behalf are quite powerful. It's a very warm and strengthening feeling.
As I prepared my RS lesson this week, several thoughts flowed through my mind, but none more so than this ...the Lord is aware of each of us intimately, to the point that he knows what greives us, what we fear and more importantly, how to heal us. It is like I am with my children - I know them better than they know themselves. I know what they want. I know what they need (most of the time because I am still mortal *wink*). I know the things that will challenge them and so I know how to prepare them for that challenge. It is this way, but on a perfect level, for our Father in Heaven. He knows you. He knows your journey. He knows your children. He knows their needs. All will be well.
I am here for you.
We are all here for you.
Angels attend when called upon.
Te mando un fuerte abrazo y te espero un conocimiento de que el Senor siempre le cargara en sus manos y aqui hallaras la paz.
Let me say it again and again! I'm cancer free!!
DeleteThank you so much for caring enough to strengthen me with your words of wisdom. I was very scared to tell anyone about my concern because I didn't want to worry anyone (besides my parents of course), but I felt very moved to write. I'm glad I did because it was the comments I read here that strengthened me in the middle of my sleepless night last night. As you said, I felt the strength of others' prayers on my behalf... the prayers that I was scared to ask for. I called upon the angels to bear me up in my fears- feeling confident that they would attend! And they did!!
Thank you for understanding my deep yearning to never leave my children! I love you!
I understand your fears.Two years ago I was faced with the news of a tumor on my ovary as well as a possible lump on my breast. Fortunately the tumor was non cancerous and only took with it one of my ovaries and the lump was nothing to worry about. But I have to tell you, through my darkest hours I felt the prayers of others and was strengthened and Priesthood blessings were such a comfort to me. As your friend Maybury Zoo said, Heavenly Father knows you personally and if you give every fear to him he will bring you comfort. It's such a strange thought to me to be comforted in the midst of such turmoil but it can happen. Know that even though I have never met you, I have come to love who you are, what you stand for and the wonderful example you are in all things. You are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteI get to write it again! I do not have cancer!!
DeleteI tear up now with gratitude, as I thank you from the bottom of my heart for having the courage to share your personal experience in order to strengthen me through mine. Your words "to be comforted in the midst of such turmoil" gave me courage to accept that comfort on a deeper level.
As you probably know, cancer took my sister's life. I have also personally sat by two dear friends' sides just hours before cancer took their lives, so my fear of cancer has been deeply set in my mind. Thank you for empathizing with my fears yet offering such strong testimony and personal experience to have no fear- complete faith in God is the nobler route.
Thank you for living that example. Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for loving me. ~Sending you so much love.